You are listening to the Drink Less Lifestyle Podcast with Dr. Sherry Price, episode number 13.

Welcome to Drink Less Lifestyle, a podcast for successful women who want to change their relationship with alcohol. If you want to drink less, feel healthier and start loving life again you’re in the right place. Please remember that the information in this podcast does not constitute medical advice. Now, here’s your host, Dr. Sherry Price.

Well, hello my friends. It is the Wednesday before Christmas. How are you guys doing? How are you feeling? Over here I am super excited. My soul is bursting with love. I know this year looks different and it looks different in our household too, I have to say I’m seeing that we have less presents, less people, less travel, less food, less stuff. But I have to tell you I’m just as happy if not more. My soul is bursting. I feel that I’m more connected to myself. I have more love, more joy, just more room for the happiness in just this time of year.

And I really think that’s because I know that all that stuff isn’t really what makes me happy and fulfilled. I know that it’s my own brain that creates my feelings and I know how to tap into that as I’ve shared on previous podcasts. And I think that’s the beauty of doing this work, yes, it’s wonderful to be in control of drinking, yes, it’s wonderful to get your life back.

But it’s also wonderful to know how exactly to take care of yourself and how to do that in a way that feels uplifting, that feels true to you, that feels in alignment with who you want to be. And not ashamed to share it with people, or not ashamed to be who you are in the world. And just to show up fully authentic as yourself.

So, merry Christmas my friends, happy holidays or whatever it is that you celebrate this time of year. I just know we have so many wonderful things, blessings, gifts in our life to be thankful for. There’s so much love, and beauty, and joy in the world to take in and appreciate. It just makes my soul burst.

So I want to share with you a little ritual that I’ve been doing the previous past Christmases and it’s really a special time that I have each Christmas morning. So I’m an early bird and I’m always the first one up in my household. And this is even true on Christmas day; I get up before my daughter does. And on Christmas just like any time of the year I just love my morning hours.

And what makes Christmas so special is I get up, I make myself some hot coffee, I grab a warm blanket and I snuggle up on our couch and just stare at our lit tree in the wee hours of the morning as the sun’s rising. And I really look at the tree and I let my mind wander to all of the things that I am grateful for, particularly in the past year. I think about all the things in my life that I enjoy, whether I own them or they’re just there in my presence for me to acknowledge their beauty, whether they are things or whether they are feelings.

I’m thankful for many of the relationships in my life and I’m also thankful for some of the ones that have ended. I’m thankful for my clear mind, my loving and passionate soul and heart. And this year I’m really thankful for a little yellow lab, Cody who’s brought so much joy, and laughter, and love into our household. And I love that time just to be thankful for all that is, not to argue with it, not to resist it, but just to welcome all that is in this life because that’s all I’ll ever know and all I’ll ever have. And I want to appreciate all of it.

And while I know I can do this ritual any time it just really makes it special that it is my time in that one of time of year that I do this for myself before the whole household wakes. And I think that’s what makes part of Christmas extra special for me. And I want to give you permission too to make a ritual, whether it’s once a year, whether it’s once a month, whether it’s once a day, to really take in all that there is to be grateful for especially in times like these when we need mental health more than anything. We need to be providing that for ourselves.

Alright, so let’s move on. So today I want to talk about what to do when everyone else is drinking. And this was a suggestion that came in on my Instagram feed. So thank you for providing the suggestion. And if you have suggestions, or comments, or want to see future podcasts about a certain topic, please drop me a line and let me know. I am all ears and I really want to know how to best help you.

So I do get this topic come up from my clients in various forms. So they ask, “What do I do when my spouse drinks?” Or, “What do I do when my friends all drink and I’m not drinking, or I’m at a work event, all my colleagues are drinking and everyone else is drinking around me, what do I do? How do I handle myself in that situation?” So first of all I want to say that it isn’t a problem at all unless you have an overdrinking problem.

Just think about the people that can control their drinking; this isn’t a problem for them. But it becomes a problem for us that have been exposed to excessive drinking or have been over-drinkers. Because for us it just feels awkward not to take a drink or not to keep drinking. So it’s a skill that we just haven’t practiced in a while. And I also want to offer, when you do get the ability to be in control of your drinking a 100% again that it really doesn’t matter what other people do ever. And you never will feel like it’s a problem because it’s just not.

So I just want to share with you that your mind thinks it’s a problem because you don’t have the control over alcohol that you want to have, that’s the only reason. And I also want to remind you that just because someone else is doing something doesn’t mean that we have to jump in. So if someone else lights up a cigarette and you’re not a smoker, would you feel compelled to join in? No. If someone around you or everyone around you starts cursing and you don’t curse, do you think you would join in? Probably not.

Or let’s take another example, if everyone at the party starts doing heroin or cocaine, would you be sitting there saying, “Oh, I don’t know what to say. I don’t know what to tell them. They might be offended.” Heck no, you would be like, “No, I don’t want any, thanks.” Because you don’t have desire and because you truly don’t want it, it’s not a problem so you just say no. So I think it’s just interesting that we treat alcohol differently than other substances.

But when we remove alcohol from that equation and put in a different substance, do you see how the mind is like, oh, it’s not a problem. Why was I making it such a problem? And that’s what we do with drinking, particularly in our society because our society not only glamorizes drinking, it also stigmatizes drinking. So it makes us feel like we go back and forth on this drinking thing. And the only time we go back and forth on it is when we really can’t control our drinking.

So sometimes my clients will say that they’re worried about what others will think of them if they decline a drink or if they don’t go with the flow. So maybe you’re thinking that by saying no to a drink that you think that they will think you have a problem. So let me say that again, so maybe you’re thinking that saying no to a drink that they are going to think that you have a problem with drinking, which that’s so weird. Because why would they think you have a problem just because you say no?

Just like if you turned down a cigarette or you turned down cocaine, they’re not going to assume you have a problem. The reason you might be thinking that they’re assuming you have a problem is because that’s what you are thinking. So you’re taking your thoughts and projecting it onto them. So let me just say that if you don’t have a problem with it yourself you’re not going to see the situation, or the event, or the people as a problem. And I think that’s because when we truly don’t have desire for it there’s no issue at all because we clearly will say no and not feel conflicted.

And when you say no you just say no. There is no extra reason, there’s nothing else thrown into the story, it’s just like done, easy, no. So I want you to consider why is it hard for you to not drink when others are drinking? What’s the real reason you don’t want to say no or the real reason that saying no is so difficult? Is it because of your desire for the drink? Well, we talked about in previous episodes how to change that over-desire, why that over-desire exists in the first place and then the steps to take to change it.

Now, sometimes my clients will tell me that it’s because they don’t want to make others feel bad about their drinking, so that’s why they don’t want to say no to their own drinking. So really think about that.

So by you saying no is making someone else feel bad about how much they are drinking. Well, maybe and I have to ask so what if it does? Wouldn’t that be potentially helpful to the person instead of just doing what they always do and ignoring what they’re doing to their body and ignoring how much they’re consuming if they’ve been ignoring it? Wouldn’t that be the more loving thing to do if you really care for this person and they are your friend?

I mean let’s face it, we don’t really want to advertise let’s just drink more, and more, and more because we know that ruins lives, ruins health, ruins relationships. So I feel by saying it for myself it’s the most caring thing I can do for myself as well as it’s the most caring thing I can do if it wakes somebody else up to how much they are drinking. So I feel it as a win/win and a very loving, caring thing to consider.

But I’m sure that’s not how society trained us. We just think we should go along with the tribe, that’s our primitive brain. We don’t want to do what’s different than the norm. We want to go with the flow. We don’t want to make any waves, all of that, all of that story that’s going on in our head or beneath the surface that we’re not even aware of.

And so if you’re still feeling bad about bringing awareness to it because you’re worried about how you’re going to be perceived I want you also to consider asking why are you letting their issues block you from the leading the best life that you want to live and get to the goals that you want to get to? Why are you letting somebody else interfere with that? Why are you making your drinking about them when it really is about you? So let’s face it here my friends, no scapegoats. By blaming other people it really doesn’t help our journey at all and it’s the fastest way to give your power away.

And a spoiler alert here, most people, it’s not going to bring up anything with their drinking. They’re not going to be considering it in the moment probably why they’re drinking. So we’re making an issue out of something that really isn’t an issue.

So I just want you to consider to please do yourself a favor and don’t blame your drinking on someone else, or some party, or the social life that you have, or because you live in a boating community, or a skiing town. Or just some other thing that this is your social life and this is what you must do because when you do that you give all your power away. And when you give all your power away, of course you feel powerless and then you wonder why your drinking doesn’t change.

So I just want to remind you that you don’t need to change your friends, where you live, your spouse, your lifestyle, your boating excursions and activities, your skiing community, none of that needs to change for you to change your drinking. And so I would say just stop telling yourself this. Stop saying, “It’s because of these things”, and really take full ownership of your overdrinking habit.

Because we know deep down that your drinking is about you and you are the only one that can change it, which I think is great news. Because we don’t have to change our environment, we don’t have to move to a new city, we don’t have to get a new spouse. We don’t have to change all of that in order for us to change. And the funny thing is I’ve actually seen some of my clients up and move and they think this move, it’s going to be a fresh start, a new house, a new community, a new environment. And so I will start a new habit then.

And so they’re again excusing away all their power and maybe it works for the first month or two because they’re unloading boxes and they’re distracted and they’re not thinking about it. But once they’re settled in what I find is if they’re not doing the work on themselves, even though they’re in a new environment, guess what happens? The habits come back. That drinking pattern enters their life again because as I mentioned, it’s not about the environment, the friends, the home or the whatever that’s causing your drinking, it’s your thinking always, always your thinking.

Another reason I hear from my clients is that, “Well, when I go to these parties or I go to these social events, or I hang out with these people, or I hang out with my husband it’s expected of me to drink. My husband expects that when he pours a glass he’s going to pour one for me, or when my friend shows up with that bottle of wine that I’m going to be expected to drink with her when she opens it.”

And what I say to that is, “Great, let them have those thoughts. They can have those expectations. That’s totally fine, that’s their thoughts, they get to think how they want to think. But guess what? You don’t have to meet their expectations.” And some of my clients will go like, “What?” Like I just said something preposterous, but you’re an adult my friend, you get to choose what you do and what you don’t do. And that means you get to choose whether you’re going to live into somebody’s expectations or you’re not.

And I say, “Why don’t you live into your own expectations because that feels the best.” We don’t need to live our lives as other people want us to live them. That would be people pleasing and we’ve probably done of that in our life. When it comes to taking full ownership of our drinking, we have to do what we want to do, not what’s expected from our friends or family. So I say, “You get to say no. You get to let people down. You get to disappoint people and they will be okay.”

And here’s the other thing, let’s look at why they have those expectations to begin with. My guess is the reason they have those expectations is because that’s how you used to participate and that’s what you used to do in the past.

So if your spouse used to pour you a drink and you would drink along, of course he’s going to have those expectations. Do you know why? Because you train these people to expect this type of behavior from you, so now all is we have to do is train these same people to expect a different behavior from you. And guess what? Then their expectations change and to match your expectations because you put out what you’re willing and not willing to do. It’s as easy as that. So all you’ve done is really set a precedent, how you used to act and that’s what’s become their expectation.

This is how you used to hang out and so of course you can let the people know that you are changing that or you’re changing it for this night or this time, or forever in the future or whatever you want to share with them in the moment. And now when they begin to hang out with you now they may not expect that you’re going to match drink for drink. Now they’re going to see that you’re following a different pattern, you’re going with a different behavior. And guess what? Their expectations in the future will adjust.

So when you’re changing your habit of drinking, when you’re breaking that habit and you’re becoming a different type of drinker, somebody that doesn’t drink at all, whatever you decide. You’re laying the foundation as you’re changing for the people around you. You’re letting them know that hey, I’m not going to be operating the same way I’ve operated all the time in the past. I’m changing. And so each time you show up and you don’t act the way you used to, you’re building that new foundation.

So all is I’m saying here is that you train the people around you how to treat you and what to expect from you, we’re always doing this. Now, sometimes people will come back to me and say, “Well, what if they put pressure on me and I cave?” Guess what you’ve just reinforced? You’ve said yes after you’ve been pressured. So when you get a yes you know that’s like positive reinforcement.

It’s like the toddler who keeps asking for candy in the checkout line at the grocery store and you say no the first five to ten times that the toddler asks. But then the toddler doesn’t give up, they really want the candy. So on the eleventh time that they asked you might be annoyed and you just give in and you cave and you say yes. So now what has the toddler learned? The toddler learns I just need to ask 11 times to get a yes, not five to ten. So we’re always training people how to treat us. We’re always training people where our boundaries are and where they aren’t.

So when it comes to drinking I’m hoping nobody pressures you over this. And if they do pressure you, you might ask is that a sign of a good friend, or a colleague, or a coworker? To me maybe they’re pressuring you because it’s joking or it’s fun but you want to put a squash to that. You want to train people how to treat you and what’s acceptable and what’s not acceptable. And if they keep going, that might be just a sign of their immature behavior.

So as you’re navigating your journey towards drinking less you’re going to have opportunities that come up where you’re going to be able to stand in your power and say no. And I say, why don’t we say no in a firm but tactful way? I find that that’s the easiest. It doesn’t bring up any drama and you don’t have to treat people mean, or nasty, or irritable at all.

So let’s look through a couple of examples, so if I was to arrive at a party, back in the day when we can get together and the hostess of the party came up and offered me some wine or a cocktail. I’d just say, “No, thank you, I’d love some water though. You’re house is so lovely.” See, no awkwardness. I just admitted no, no, thank you, but I’d love some water. And then I moved the conversation along. I didn’t let it linger in this awkwardness at all. I just moved the conversation along.

Or maybe I’m in a different environment and it’s not necessarily at a party, maybe it’s just out with a girl friend and she says, “Hey, let’s get some drinks.” And I’d say, “Thanks for offering, and I’d love some sparkling water.” And we can order that. Or I can say something like, “No thanks, I’d prefer not to drink tonight, but what are you drinking?” I say what I want and then I move the conversation along.

Because when we’re invited to things or hanging out with people that we enjoy, what people really want is connection, and to bond with us, and the conversation more than anything else, it’s really not about the alcohol at all. And if you’re at a social event, the hostess wants to make sure that you’re at ease, you’re comfortable. So they want to make sure that you have something in your hand, you’re not parched, you have a drink, all the etiquette-ness that goes along with being at a party.

So I just want you to consider that every time we get together it’s not about the drinking, it’s about the connection. It’s about bonding. It’s about the conversation. It’s about the people. And so what’s in your glass is totally irrelevant to the actual party, or the actual thing, or event that’s happening. So just because you may decide you’re not drinking that night or maybe stopping after one. I’d like to also suggest that you let your friend or your spouse decide how much and when they want to drink and that it’s totally their decision to make and not yours.

You get to say yes or no for you but they get to decide for them as adults because that’s really all you can control, is you. And I want you to learn how to take full responsibility and full ownership of the alcohol you do allow as well as being able and having the power to say no to the alcohol you don’t want to allow. And what I like to say is just to say it and be done. It’s making that decision and not thinking about it again.

So I always recommend avoiding brooding about it, humming and harring if you should have a drink, taking your time to decide if you want to have a drink. Or making up long or even false explanations and reasons about why you’re not drinking. And so these are some of the ones I hear commonly amongst the women that I coach is, “I’m driving.” Or, “I’m on antibiotics.” Or some other elaborate story about a recent food poisoning that their stomach still feels queasy from. Or they’re following a new diet and it doesn’t allow for alcohol.

They make up these excuses, or they invent these excuses, or they just talk about these reasons of why they’re not drinking. And I’d like to just remind you really, no one really cares about the reason. I mean maybe your best friend might be different, but in a social situation, just don’t go into all the reasons. You don’t really need to present a reason.

And I’ll tell you the reason you don’t want to present a reason, it’s because now you’re giving the brain, their brain something to think about and potentially solve. Because if they’re thinking the reason you can’t drink is because you plan on driving, well let me solve that for you. And so they’ll provide you with options because maybe they think you haven’t thought of these options. So they might say something like, “Well, you can stay here if you have too much.” Or, “We can call an Uber for you.” Or, “I’m not drinking since I’m the hostess and I wouldn’t mind driving you home.”

So now you’ve started this whole discussion about how you can drink when your plan was not to drink, but you weren’t clear about your plan of not drinking, you were blaming it on your driving. So here they’re trying to be helpful to problem solve and it’s really not the problem, because it wasn’t the truth, or if it is the truth you’re using it as a reason and you don’t want all these other reasons. So even if you are driving why don’t you just say no, “No, thank you, I prefer not. No, I’d love some sparkling water though, do you have any?”

By giving reasons we’re also inviting conversation in around this so they can say, “Maybe you can still enjoy some alcohol if that’s what you want.” Or, “Wait, you have a sour stomach. Well, let’s get you a bloody Mary because there’s vitamins in that and you probably lost some vitamins from the food poisoning. Or maybe you need vitamin C to boost your immune system so I’ll make you a mimosa.” So you’re just inviting in problem solving conversation that’s focused on the alcohol.

And what I rather is having discussion not about the alcohol because the alcohol’s totally irrelevant. So I say, say what you mean and move on. And really think about it, if we would all be more truthful in this world we could save a lot more time and energy for important topics and important conversations. So I agree with you, don’t make an issue about not drinking, it shouldn’t be an issue. It doesn’t need to be an issue.

So my formula really is just to state what I want, which is not to drink and then move the conversation on, so no, no thank you and then bring up something else. Because sometimes just ending with no or no thank you can leave the conversation kind of in a bit of an awkward state where the person is like what do I say next to that? “Why not?”

So it’s like when you ask your friend or your spouse at the end of the day, “Hey, how did your day go today?” And they respond, “Not so good”, and they just end. So it’s kind of awkward, it’s like, well, what do I say to that? Do I pry? Do I ask more questions like, “Well, what didn’t go so well?” And why aren’t they just telling me this, why did they just stop there? So sometimes a no or a no thank you can feel that way, of course not when you’re ordering at a restaurant but when you’re engaging with another person. So just make sure you move the conversation along.

The last part I want to address is what do you make it mean if you don’t drink when others are drinking around you? And I think this is a fabulous question because it really gets again at the root of what’s going on, why is it a problem? What are we making it mean if we are choosing not to drink when everyone else is drinking around us? So what I commonly find from the women that I coach is I get these four responses typically. “Well, people won’t think I’m fun. People will think I’m boring. I won’t have fun or I feel like I’ll be missing out.”

So I just want to point out there is a couple of things going on here. One is that we can’t control what other people think of us. I know we want to and I know we try but we just don’t really know what others think of us. And they may tell us and if they tell us well, who knows if they’re telling the truth or not truthfully?

So do we really ever know what they’re thinking of us? And then I also like to think well, that’s for them to think about and what am I doing in their brain? That’s none of my business because really I can’t change the way they think. I may think I can, I may think I can manipulate them into thinking better of me or higher of me, but can I really do that? Do I really have that power? Absolutely not.

I just want to give you an example, let’s say you are the nicest, sweetest, most generous, most kind person in the world but will that guarantee that everybody will think about you the same way and that everybody will like you? I highly doubt. I know there’ll probably be some people who would think you’re too generous, or they might be jealous and have jealous thoughts of you. Or they might think you’re a doormat because you just say yes all the time. Or some even say that you don’t handle your money responsibly since you’re always giving it away.

People are going to have opinions about us and we can’t do a darned thing much to change them. We can try to influence them, we can try to make them like us, but there’s no guarantee that we’re going to be able to achieve that. And listen, if we can control the people I’d be all for it. I’d learn all the techniques and I’d be able to teach that stuff and I would love it, but we just can’t.

So I think why try and spend all that time and mental energy trying to control something that we really can’t? Wouldn’t you rather spend that time and energy on something you can control like your health, feeling good about yourself, learning how to have fun with alcohol, learning not to need it so much, learning to cut back, learning to control it or maybe learning to have a life without it? All of that is within your control, which brings me to my next point.

Alcohol doesn’t bring the fun unless you assign that meaning to it. Now, you can outsource your fun to alcohol and do you see what kind of fun the alcohol creates when you’ve had too much? For some people they turn really into jerks. They turn into hotheads, they become very argumentative, they may say unloving things, they may pick fights. Some people get super giddy and laugh. And quite honestly, laugh too much about crazy things and may wind up making a fool of themselves, or telling the same stories over and over again, or telling stories that you can’t remember the next day.

I used to think that was fun but then I started asking myself, is that really fun? Is that how I really want to spend my life? And I have to say I used to think in my mind it was fun but then I thought, wow, my brain has a distorted concept of fun because I really don’t think all that is fun anymore. And I don’t even think I thought it was fun when I was doing it. I was just telling myself it was fun.

So I just want to tell you my friends that you bring the fun, your energy, your presence, the way you relate to others, the way you listen and care for others, the way you laugh and you joke with one another when you’re clear minded, and you’re not losing your filter, and you’re not embarrassed, or having regrets the next day for what you said or didn’t say, or can’t remember. And if you still want to hang out with these people again that means you truly enjoy them, not clouded by alcohol.

And I know some of my clients will tell me that they drink to tolerate others. And I find that really interesting because why would you stay in situations and in relationships where you feel you have to tolerate people? Because if you feel like you have to tolerate them deep down to me that sounds like you’re not enjoying them. You find them annoying. You find them not lifting you up and providing what you want for your life.

And when we use alcohol in that way as I talked about in my previous episode about coping, coping means we’re effectively dealing with something. And that is not an effective way to deal with personalities. There are other modalities we can take, maybe setting proper boundaries, maybe thinking about if we want to continue this relationship or not, and if so, how can we go about that in a way that fulfils both parties?

So using alcohol to try to cope with this problem rather than effectively dealing with it and changing the situation so you can feel better permanently. By using alcohol all is we’re doing is numbing our life, ruining our health, ruining that relationship even more. And then doing the self-sabotage on top of that and having regrets about it. So nobody wins in that situation. And then lastly, if you feel like you’re missing out when you’re not involved in the drinking, I want to just ask you exactly what are you missing out from?

And when I ask this question of my clients I get answers all over the board. But one that comes up a tad more than the others is, “Well, then who am I if I’m not drinking? What’s my identity if I’m no longer the party girl, the girl that goes back for refills; the one that’s refilling everybody else’s cup, the good time girl, the girl that’s always happy and always talking about wine?” And that’s a great question. So now who are you? Who do you want to be? Because you get to decide, you get to create and define her.

It’s like a fresh start, a new you, your next chapter, how exciting, and that’s where we do the deep work and dig in and discover more of this, of who you want to be and who you want to create inside my Drink Less Lifestyle program because your new identity is important. And you get to decide what that will look like. And within that new identity we’re making that new relationship with alcohol and our new identity around alcohol. And that’s why I have included several modules within the program to help you do this work.

And then we come back and talk about it together on our calls because I know it can feel scary when you start giving up that identity and you’re wondering where am I going? And I’m feeling like this place in between and I don’t really know how to get to the next step. It’s kind of like jumping off and into an abyss and wondering if you’re going to get scooped up by a parachute.

And when we do feel scared and we do feel like we can’t really define what the next step is do you know what we do? We revert back to old ways. We go back to our old ways of thinking and drinking. And I don’t want that to happen. I want you to continue to make future sustainable progress, lasting change.

And the one thing that’s going to get you there is to say who you are in this next chapter, is to say this is my new identity and this is how I want to be and how I want to show up when alcohol is involved. And do that from a place of power. Do that from a place of self-love, self-worth, self-caring, self-compassion. Because you get to decide who she is and when you get to live who you want to be that feels amazing.

And that wraps up this episode my friends. I hope you feel empowered on how to handle yourself when everyone else is drinking and you want to choose differently. It’s okay to be different and to not go with the flow. It’s okay to change your old habits and your old ways of being. And again I want to remind you, it’s okay to drink less as a form of self-care, self-love and a step towards better health and wellness. It has nothing to do with fitting in or connecting with people.

Actually I can connect more fully now when I’m clear minded and I can remember the details of conversations than I ever could in the past. And I find that the topics of our conversations are more meaningful, and much less about trivial stuff, and much less repetitive. And I no longer show up concerned about what type of wine, what kind of wine, how much they have or will they have my favorite varietals, or if I should be bringing my own, or if I had too much, or if my teeth are stained red or any of that.

Now I show up a 100% focused on the people, and the connections, and the bonds that I want to make. And it’s not at all about what’s in my glass.

Alright my friends, Merry Christmas to all of you and I will see you next week.

Thanks for listening to Drink Less Lifestyle. If you’re ready to change your relationship with drinking now check out the free guide, How to Effectively Break the Overdrinking Habit at sherryprice.com/startnow. See you next week.